Overthinking | Death of The Outcasted

A while back, I posted my thoughts on over-thinking. I've decided to turn this into a series of posts because one post is just not enough to express how the pain of being and over-thinker through words.

So here goes.

Perhaps one of the more frequent derivations of over-thinking is from feeling like an outcast. I say this because this has been happening to me a lot lately. Without a doubt, it is becoming incessant; but then again, that isn't the real problem. 

Everyone is bound to feel like an outcast once in a while. I think we've been made to think that it's okay, and that is where the real problem comes in. You see, it is because we have been made to comply to 'what's right' and think that feeling like an outcast is 'normal' and 'okay', close to no one will think about caring when they see someone looking like they feel like an outcast, even if that person is someone they know, because no one would care enough to observe and see if anyone is feeling like an outcast. It is also because of this that The Outcasted will then feel like because no one seems to show any concern that what they're feeling is wrong and they shouldn't speak of it or they would be, as some would say, 'abnormal', which makes them feel more outcasted than they already feel like now. This is where over-thinking comes in, which inevitably leads to inner-death.

For some reason, I have been feeling like an outcast a lot lately. I think it's growing on me - into some kind of phobia; because of this, I am perpetually afraid of being hated or alone and especially of being ditched by friends, because it's kind of like an indication of my inadequacy of being a person, let alone friend, that pushes them away from me. And it's scary to be living with this fear.

Scary. 

I'm beginning to realize that the scary thing about overthinking is that it kills you, slowly, from the inside. It is the constant turning of all the negativity and angst from being outcasted that makes us victims of this silent, invisible murder. What's scarier is that all this will lead to a never-ending internal war between us and them. The moment we lose our sanity - they've won. Perhaps that is the most common and often unsaid cause of most people's death.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can relate to this...

Overthinking | The Eternal Curse

I am quite sure I've been cursed. This torturous blasphemy has become so much a part of me that it defines me, and I hate that it does.

I'm an Overthinker; and it is, in a lot of ways, a horrid reality. It has become so severe for me that it is impossible for me to go a day without thinking too much into even the most simplest affairs. I'm not even kidding. Even seeing a friend close to someone else makes me feel like I'm not as important to them as they are to me, like I'm just a backup plan. Being alone makes me feel like a reject. Hearing people around me laugh makes me paranoid that they're laughing at me. I know it's stupid and crazy, but I can't help it, and I hate that about myself.

In my struggle to maintain my sanity, someone once told me that "it only matters to you because you make it matter". That phrase resonated with me to the depths of my soul. Ever since then I've been wondering — why is it that we tend to wonder off into the unknown, digging up the worst memories hidden in the darkest corners of our minds, when we clearly don't want to recall it?

I don't know if it's the same for you but, whenever I overthink, one thing leads to another; my head ends up in a twirl, my heart feels like it's been stabbed countless times and is about to give way, I can't think and then – BOOM – tears burst out of my eyes like water gushing out of a broken dam. It is at that very moment of affliction when all those recurring thoughts become questions — haunting questions that will never be answered, ones that force us to redefine ourselves and our purpose in life. At this stage, the curse would have already set in, and once it sets in, there is no turning back. I'm not alone here, right?

I read somewhere that life is about moving past the past and going towards the future. But because the future lies in the vast unknown, fear steps in, and the only thing that we can fall back on for support is our past experiences. It's not as easy to let go and move on as people in movies and television shows make it out to be. Thence, I'd like to believe that at the end of it all, our minds will be the cause of our own psychological suicides. No matter how hard we will ourselves not to succumb to this kind of self-torture, it'll never stop, because it isn't something that can be cured overnight. In fact, there really is no cure at all. I can't just ask you to stop overthinking. You can try, but it rebounds, doesn't it? Things don't work that way, not in this case at least.

I think it's time to admit the truth. Overthinking is the reality. It's a curse, it's eternal, and it's here to stay. Are you going to do anything about it?