Overthinking | The Eternal Curse

I am quite sure I've been cursed. This torturous blasphemy has become so much a part of me that it defines me, and I hate that it does.

I'm an Overthinker; and it is, in a lot of ways, a horrid reality. It has become so severe for me that it is impossible for me to go a day without thinking too much into even the most simplest affairs. I'm not even kidding. Even seeing a friend close to someone else makes me feel like I'm not as important to them as they are to me, like I'm just a backup plan. Being alone makes me feel like a reject. Hearing people around me laugh makes me paranoid that they're laughing at me. I know it's stupid and crazy, but I can't help it, and I hate that about myself.

In my struggle to maintain my sanity, someone once told me that "it only matters to you because you make it matter". That phrase resonated with me to the depths of my soul. Ever since then I've been wondering — why is it that we tend to wonder off into the unknown, digging up the worst memories hidden in the darkest corners of our minds, when we clearly don't want to recall it?

I don't know if it's the same for you but, whenever I overthink, one thing leads to another; my head ends up in a twirl, my heart feels like it's been stabbed countless times and is about to give way, I can't think and then – BOOM – tears burst out of my eyes like water gushing out of a broken dam. It is at that very moment of affliction when all those recurring thoughts become questions — haunting questions that will never be answered, ones that force us to redefine ourselves and our purpose in life. At this stage, the curse would have already set in, and once it sets in, there is no turning back. I'm not alone here, right?

I read somewhere that life is about moving past the past and going towards the future. But because the future lies in the vast unknown, fear steps in, and the only thing that we can fall back on for support is our past experiences. It's not as easy to let go and move on as people in movies and television shows make it out to be. Thence, I'd like to believe that at the end of it all, our minds will be the cause of our own psychological suicides. No matter how hard we will ourselves not to succumb to this kind of self-torture, it'll never stop, because it isn't something that can be cured overnight. In fact, there really is no cure at all. I can't just ask you to stop overthinking. You can try, but it rebounds, doesn't it? Things don't work that way, not in this case at least.

I think it's time to admit the truth. Overthinking is the reality. It's a curse, it's eternal, and it's here to stay. Are you going to do anything about it?

I'm not happy

I'm unhappy. I haven't been truly happy for the longest time. I guess it's another horrible start to a post but I've come to a realization that I am not happy, and I don't know why. 

This kinda got me thinking — what makes me happy?

I thought about it and tried to find an answer but I really don't know. You're probably judging me right now and I can't say I blame you. It seems pretty impossible to not know what makes one happy; surely there are things and people I like that make me smile. 

And there are! I love my family, my friends, my classmates, my collection of stuffed-toys; I love travelling; I love trying new things and chasing dreams; I love shopping, singing, spending time with people who are important to me. I love a lot of things — the list is endless. 

But then again, just because one loves many things doesn't mean they are happy with the life they're living, nor do these things makes them genuinely smile all the time. In a lot of ways, we all want to be happy but don't know how. I'm no exception. I guess I'm in this point in my life where I'm overwhelmed by everything I'm going through – all the commitments and expectations thrown at me – so much so that I've lost and forgotten what it means to be truly happy, and it sucks. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. I guess I just wanted to talk about how I really felt. I mean, as much as I like being introverted and being alone, there are times when I've to let my thoughts out. 

So the truth is that I'm not happy, I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. What about you? 

We've only just begun

I'm not sure how many times I've attempted to upkeep a blog, and I'm not sure which attempt this is. All I know is that I've probably deleted many blogs in the past few years after abandoning them but that's not going to stop me!

I admit — I have the First-blog-post Syndrome, a deadly disease where one fears writing the first blog post because they never know what to write, or what is appropriate to write. That should explain why this post may be a bit lengthy and boring so give me a second here and deal with it, okay? I guess I should start by introducing myself, and what better way to do that then with an awkward, badly-taken selfie?

Hello, my name is Victoria Chwa. I'm 17 (year 2014); from Singapore. There's actually not very much to me. I like spending my time writing, watching Taiwanese or Korean soap operas, singing and frolicking in the garden of roses in a fantasy land in my head. I'm rather quiet by nature, so I don't talk as much as I think. I'm currently studying in the Arts Stream in Pioneer Junior College, and I hope to get a Degree in Psychology in future. Like any other teenaged girl, I spend a fair bit of my time scrolling through online shops (which I plan to open soon) and, most of the time, end up buying things I want but don't actually need and then regretting it later while desperately trying to find a way to use them. :P

I also have a blog on Wordpress which you can check out by clicking the tab on the menu bar above. If you're wondering why I have 2 blogs, my Wordpress blog is for all the times when I feel extra philosophical while this blog is so I can share my day to day shenanigans with you. I hope you don't mind! ^^ 

I absolutely love watching videos on YouTube. I'm a fan of almost every youtuber there is to watch. I hope to be able to start a YouTube channel one day, and be able to travel and see the world and go to Vidcon or Playlist Live. I also hope to open my own online store soon. :x

If you're wondering what I will be posting here, I'm pretty much going to share almost anything and everything — from my daily activities and hopefully inspirational thoughts to product reviews and advertorials. I don't really have a plan of what to post so I'm just going to post anything I feel like posting because I'm a rebel and I roll that way. ;)

That's pretty much it for an introduction I guess! :) I'm not really pretty and neither do I have a good figure or anything worth being known for so I don't expect this blog to 'blow up'. That's not my aim of starting a blog anyway. Some people keep diaries, others keep a sketch book, but I choose to try to keep a blog. And whoever you may be, I hope you'll enjoy visiting my blog. :) I will try my best to upkeep it this time! XD Honestly, this is the blog I'm most satisfied with so far. :x

Well, this wasn't so hard. After all, we've only just begun (Yes, quoting The Carpenters). ;)